Things To Do To Get Laid-Off

*Disclaimer: the below tips shouldn’t be confused with getting fired on purpose. Because that would be foolish.

I don't want this fucking job.
I don’t want this fucking job.

Rest assured that your career goal to getting laid-off is in professional hands. I’m what you would call an expert laid-offer (is that a word)?
So, you want to get laid-off, huh? First, ask yourself this: Why?
Now that you’ve determined why, let’s begin. Here are seven incredibly useful tips to ensuring your layoff is successful:

  1. Change your appearance. If you used to wear power suits or pencil skirts everyday, start dressing down. All the way down. If you used to dress casually for work, dust off those crumbs, wash the hair and put on an ironed shirt for crying out loud. Either way your appearance will get everyone talking and panicking because you will be looked at as though you know something you’re not suppose to know. You are seen as the virus that must be eliminated.
  2. Act guilty. When your colleagues call your name, loudly shout: “It wasn’t me”. Then laugh nervously that you were thinking about something else and it’s one big misunderstanding. The more you do this, upper management or even the owner will eventually find out and will have to weigh the possibility of having a trouble maker like you hanging around the office.
  3. Stare. Whenever your boss is in your proximity, start chatting with a coworker in low tones. Whisper if you have to but make sure to always make eye contact with your boss every now and then. Do this at least three times consecutively and I guarantee you that your boss will soon get paranoid. Oh yes, shit will hit the fan.
  4. Spend money like it’s water. If you oversee the budget for your department, spend. SPEND. Don’t just spend the money, OVERSPEND. If your accounting department is sloppy and lazy, perfect. Have them hide overspending under ‘miscellaneous’ for your department. Within six to eight months, the financial reports will show that your department will need to downsize in order to boost profits again. You know what that means, layoffs.
  5. Make allies in accounting. Speaking of lazy accountants. They are your allies if you ever want to get laid-off. Butter them up with lots of assignments that involve Excel spreadsheets. Then have them fudge a financial report or two. Remember, it’s not them, it’s you who will get laid off.
  6. Leak sensitive information. The moment you hear or get your hands on damning sensitive information, leak it to the press, competitors, and your customers. It trail will never come back to you as long as you say “I have no idea how the press, our competitors, and our customers got their hands on the company’s sensitive information. It wasn’t me.”
  7. Be open. You want to get laid off. So don’t click out of the computer screen whenever your superiors walk by. Let them see that you’ve prioritized playing the advanced level of solitaire above answering emails. I mean, priorities, right?

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