When Managers Gossip

Bunch of gossips.
Bunch of gossips.

I’ll admit, I like a good gossip session when it doesn’t involve me (is that even fair to say?). And I think it’s perfectly okay when co-workers who are equals gossip as a way to relieve stress or bond. But I can’t get behind managers who gossip with subordinates about other employees in the office.
 
When I see this happen my mind starts to think that I’m the one being gossiped about and it doesn’t help when all whispering ceases when I’m in close proximity – then again, it could happen to anyone walking by because gossips don’t want to be heard. DUH!
 
I think managers who gossip with subordinates set a dangerous example and it can be viewed negatively. The weak pact that gets tossed around: “You can’t tell anyone this” never works. If the gossip is good, it’ll come out sooner than later. That type of gossip can be seen as favouritism, conspiring against someone, rude, and unprofessional. All of those views and emotions can snowball into a big cluster fuck of messiness. Will jobs be on the line? Maybe.
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Contract Work Sucks Souls

simpson
 
A few days ago it hit me that contract work sucks souls. And I mean the type of contract work that you see on job boards with fine-print stating: with possibility of extension or permanent employment. That phrase stares back at you with a devilish smirk because it knows your (desperate) naive mind will hit apply and you’ll slave your life away for the next six or 12 months hoping your boss will notice and reward your hard work with permanent employment. That’s the goal, right?
 
NOPE!
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Post-Job Interview Mind Fuck

Me post-job interview
Me post-job interview

Job interviews generally suck (for me, anyway). You’re put on the hot seat and grilled for your industry knowledge and experience. And if you’re anything like me, when I’m the centre of attention for more than five minutes at a time, I sweat. Profusely. When the beaded drops aggressively show up as a sweatstashe or roll down the side of my face and leap off my jaw line, I know I’m hooped and will probably never hear from the interviewer(s) again. I mean, who wants an uncontrollable sweaty co-worker?
 
But what’s worse is the mental mind fuck that comes post-interview. You become an overly obsessive, anxious version of yourself that makes you and everyone around you uncomfortable. Your thoughts betray you and play games on you. These are some of the thoughts that have gone through my head post-interview:
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Signs You Are About To Get Laid-Off And What To Do About It

My reaction to getting laid-off.
My reaction to getting laid-off.

As embarrassing and ridiculous as it is to write that I’ve been laid off five times in 10 years (this has to be a world record, right?), starting this blog has been extremely therapeutic for me. I’m 30 now and for the first time in my life I’ve been able to organize my thoughts and emotions on my own terms and not someone else’s. I feel validated in my actions to search for work obsessively some days or to take a day off and catch up on my hobbies.
 
I will admit that I am dense in some ways because it took me until my fourth lay off to finally notice the erratic red flags that my departure was imminent.
 
Five lay offs make me an expert (says me), so I feel I have the chops to bestow some relevant tips on signs that you’re getting the boot.
 
But before you read on, just know that getting let go is not a reflection on your job performance. Sometimes hard-working Helens get let go, while slacker Steves stay put. The nuclear dysfunction is all on upper management and lining their pockets with more capital.
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What To Say When Asked: “What Do You Do All Day?”

rolling my eyes every time I get asked, “What do you do all day?”

I hate the phrase “what do you do all day?”.
 
The phrase invokes all kinds of stabby feelings towards the asker. To me it comes across as though they think I’m not good enough to hold down a job, I’m taking up space for someone more useful, I’m lazy, or unmotivated. I’m neither of these and neither are you, thank you very much.
 
In case you were wondering (but probably not because I’m not that interesting), I get asked this a lot by friends and family – even when I am gainfully employed. A succinct “leave me the fuck alone” or “whatever” simply will not do because the chances of getting called out as being bratty or childish is beneath us. We are much better than that.
 
Over the ten years that I’ve been an on-again-off-again professional, I’ve mastered a few bitchy retorts. Here are my top four go-to responses surely to induce extreme eye roll.
 
Asker: What do you do all day?
Me: Absolutely nothing. Except for looking for work and improving on my skills. Oh yeah, and touching myself. You?
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Don’t Be A Lazy Ass. Get Up And Do Something

This is what my parents keep emailing me everyday. My response is always a concise ‘K’.
 
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Just like a bad breakup, your emotions are running high on sadness and revenge when you get laid-off. But I’m here to tell you to STOP doing whatever it is you’re doing because you will regret it the moment you do it. Instead, focus on the tips I’ve listed below to help you get your confidence back on track. So in the words of my parents: Don’t be a lazy ass. Get up and do something.
 
Get your finances in check. First, stop spending your money on Cheetos. Second, stop spending your money on candy. Third, if you must spend your money on Cheetos and candy, see if you can get it cheaper elsewhere. Fourth, review your savings and month-to-month debt and prioritize where money will go. If cash is tight, apply for Employment Insurance as soon as possible or sell some of your possessions. If all else fails, play the victim card to get family and friends to pay for your things – it’s always worked for me.
 
Go hiking. I know, I know. When you’re laid-off the last thing you want to do is get up from bed and put on some (clean) pants. But trust me. Going on a hike up in the mountains will give your brain the much needed oxygen and clarity it deserves. Plus, the chance of you running into someone you know during work hours is slim since they HAVE JOBS and you don’t.
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Things To Do To Get Laid-Off

*Disclaimer: the below tips shouldn’t be confused with getting fired on purpose. Because that would be foolish.

I don't want this fucking job.
I don’t want this fucking job.

Rest assured that your career goal to getting laid-off is in professional hands. I’m what you would call an expert laid-offer (is that a word)?
 
So, you want to get laid-off, huh? First, ask yourself this: Why?
 
Now that you’ve determined why, let’s begin. Here are seven incredibly useful tips to ensuring your layoff is successful:

  1. Change your appearance. If you used to wear power suits or pencil skirts everyday, start dressing down. All the way down. If you used to dress casually for work, dust off those crumbs, wash the hair and put on an ironed shirt for crying out loud. Either way your appearance will get everyone talking and panicking because you will be looked at as though you know something you’re not suppose to know. You are seen as the virus that must be eliminated.
  2. Act guilty. When your colleagues call your name, loudly shout: “It wasn’t me”. Then laugh nervously that you were thinking about something else and it’s one big misunderstanding. The more you do this, upper management or even the owner will eventually find out and will have to weigh the possibility of having a trouble maker like you hanging around the office.
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